BLUNDERZ PRIDE REPORT: Malware, Misspellings, Bond Mayhem, and Mind-Hacked Billionaires.

1. 1776 Bytes to Freedom: PROUD GUYZ Hijack PRIDE with Phobic Malware and Missing Letters

For the last several years, Pride Month was a splashy marketing event for big brands. But this Pride Month, many retail chains and brands are going quiet. Consumer brands are wary of provoking right-wing customers and A******, and they fear reprisals from T* administration. Federal agencies have threatened to investigate companies with DEI programs.

But the real digital drama began when our very own (They) L.G. Lovely attempted to file a report on Pride month. Mid-sentence, their I-pad suffered a catastrophic crash. The culprit: a bizarre, ideologically charged malware attack called DOGE (short for “Delete Our Gender Equality”).

This insidious virus surgically wiped out the following keys from their virtual keyboard:

L – G – B – T – Q – I – A – R – N – O – W – P – D – E.

Only a cryptic file labeled "DEI_001.INITIATED" was left behind.

Soon after, their monitor screen turned orange and a ransom note appeared.

Written entirely in COMIC SANS, against an orange American flag background, the message was titled:

“PHOBIC 1776: We Have Your Letters”

– From the Desk of PROUD GUYZ HQ

The note accused our correspondent of "Alphabet Crimes" and demanded 220 units of T* and KIMA (introduced at the orgy dinner) memecoins.

Cybersecurity analysts are baffled. While they remain so, we appeal to our readers to send us a new physical keyboard as virtual ones cannot be trusted.

2. Faizan Zaki, 13, IS CROWNED the 100TH ANNUAL Scripps National Spelling Bee CHAMPION, clinching victory with the word, “éclaircissement.”

Apparently, the word is a French national, famously known for tongue twisters, accent mishaps, and most recently, face slaps.

Our almost most learned correspondent, Ms. Spell B., had recently mastered a closely related word, ecstasy, after covering the orgy at the memecoin dinner. In the process, she also had to learn how to spell corruption.

Curious to know w*F “éclaircissement” means, Ms. B., after attempting to type the word 220 million times, enthusiastically pasted it into ChatGPT. The response?

Tu n'as clairement pas les qualifications nécessaires pour savoir cela.

Which, in American, translates to:
"You are a loser, sucker. Don’t even try."

Following this response, ChatGPT confirmed:
"Your subscription has expired. Do not ever come back."

Our insiders, and close manipulators of Ms. B, have since confirmed that she is now preparing for the next Spelling Bee, by putting herself up for adoption in a South Asian household.

Her training regimen includes:

Daily beatings by sandals and flip flops.
Spelling "existential crisis" while eating spicy lentils.
And responding “yes aunty” to every question, whether it's about her GPA or marriage prospects

Sources say she’ll be fluent in both trauma and triumph by Q3.

3. Rafa’s Final Serve: Merci, Mallorcan Water Guns, and T.N. Ball’s Pickleball Dreams.

Rafael Nadal, Spanish-born tennis legend, said he's at peace with his decision to retire and hasn't touched a tennis racket in seven months. Nadal thanked fans in a packed court for their support, with the crowd of 15,000 wearing T-shirts with "Merci Rafa" printed on them.

Our sports quota reporter, and self-declared tennis aficionado, Mr. T.N. Ball, who has never touched any racket, ever, provided live coverage of the event via his Truth Social account (apparently, he's in close circles of the T* administration, having recently interviewed T*’s golf caddy and mistakenly identified him as the National Security Advisor, then leaked the interview on a Signal group chat titled “TENNIS ELBOW”).

Ball’s post, captioned “Rafa out. Just like America’s backhand. Respect.”, featured a heavily filtered image of Nadal and a heart-wrenching written tribute (or an appeal):

“I may not know tennis, but I know greatness when it retires. Also, does anyone know if pickleball has tryouts?”

Sports analysts and fans alike agree: Ball’s coverage was ballsy, if not particularly informed, and his emotional appeal felt oddly inevitable.

Meanwhile, upon his return to Spain, Nadal, tanned, relaxed, and out of uniform, was mistaken for a tourist and promptly squirted with a neon-green water gun by an anti-tourism activist in Mallorca. Locals reportedly apologized once they realized who he was, although one protester was overheard shouting, “He still looks like he’s here on an Airbnb!”

Ah, retirement. It hits hard, from every angle.

4. NEURALINKED & LOADED: Inside Elon’s Brain, Where Ketamine Meets Ecstatic MAGA,- GRUGGY is the new drug.

Elon Musk interrupted a reporter who started to ask about a New York Times story alleging he used a copious amount of drugs and travelled with a pill box as he ramped up his donations to President Donald Trump. To dig out the truth, our despicable tech guru, Mr. Gru, hacked the CCTV of Musk’s security room, which we believe is quite a commendable achievement since Gru has hardly managed to work a macbook air, and still is on AOL. The security room had three big monitor screens labeled:

Ketamine
Ecstasy
Adderall

Confused, not knowing whether these are puppy dog names or some tech code parlance, Gru had no option but to consult our very own drug abuser. Dr. D. R. Uggy, infamous for abusive use of Tylenol, Aspirin and certain specific types of Laxatives.

After being resuscitated from a laughter-induced blackout (caused by Gru attempting to FaceTime using his calculator), Dr. Uggy peered into the grainy footage and immediately gasped, “That’s not a security system… that’s a neurotransmitter command center!”

According to Dr. Uggy, each monitor wasn’t showing CCTV footage at all, it was broadcasting live neural readouts from Elon Musk’s brain, transmitted directly through his Neuralink chip, and color-coded like a psychedelic rave inside a Cybertruck.

Monitor 1: Ketamine – displayed Musk’s “spiritual” decision-making quadrant, mostly fluctuating between “Have more babies” and sending unsolicited DMs to women on X.
Monitor 2: Ecstasy – was a continuous loop of Musk’s “rave party” quadrant, playing nonstop, grim, and obnoxious footage from Mar-A-Lago parties, complete with glowsticks, MAGA hats, and Giuliani sweating in the corner.
Monitor 3: Adderall – showed twenty browser tabs open, including:
• 4 AI start-ups
• 3 Mars colonization blueprints
• 2 emails to Trump’s PAC
• 11 Wikipedia articles about Tony Stark (aka Iron Man), possibly for legal name change inspiration.

Since this horrifying, ecstatic neural discovery, both Gru and Dr. Uggy have resigned from their investigative duties and have since launched a new AI/NEURO start-up:

GRUGGY™
“Why consume drugs… when you can have them chipped directly into your brain.

Rumor has it, they have been approached by JD and Peter Navarro (or RON VARA).