From Spiritual Cellmates to Meta Black Eyes: SBF Bonds with Diddy, FEMA Forgets Hurricanes, Boeing Loses Doors, and Elon Goes Full DOGE Rage

1. “Behind Bars and Beyond: SBF Says Diddy Is a ‘Spiritual Cellmate’”
By Mr. I.N. Mate,

Sam Bankman-Fried (aka SBF), the once-billionaire crypto kingpin turned inmate, has reportedly formed an unlikely friendship with fellow incarcerated celebrity, rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs. In an exclusive interview conducted via a bent spork and a smuggled toilet-paper scroll for notes, Mr. I.N. Mate, our part-time prison correspondent, captured the life-squeezing confession.

“Diddy, my cellmate… my soulmate… my TheRapist,” SBF whispered, clutching a battered copy of Crypto for Dummies and scrolling through a Truth Social post about the latest T* memecoin party.

“Diddy’s been nothing but… intimate. Emotionally. Mostly.”

Mr. Mate, visibly shaken and backing away just enough to avoid any unexpected “intimacy,” asked SBF to explain exactly what he meant by “opening up.”

“Let’s just say, the blockchain isn’t the only thing that’s been decentralized since I bonded with him,” SBF muttered.

The pair have reportedly bonded over dreams of running for office in 2028, possibly from behind bars, hoping to be endorsed by T*. “He calls weekly. We talk about mergers, pardons, and NFTs shaped like executive orders,” SBF claimed.

Following the interview, Mr. Mate filed for early retirement and requested to be voluntarily committed to solitary confinement, citing “irreversible mental damage.”

2. New Delhi Hosts World Air Transport Summit Amid Boeing Turbulence

Hosted in New Delhi from June 1–3, the World Air Transport Summit brings together global aviation leaders to address the industry's most pressing issues. And speaking of issues, who better to tackle them than Boeing, which was, quite literally, doing just that.

In a dramatic and emotionally charged address, Boeing’s Head of Parts and Supply, Ms. Turbulence, spoke candidly about the company’s recent streak of near-death experiences, including her own speech, alongside mid-air blowouts, in-flight upsets, and severe turbulence.

She reassured attendees that stern measures are now in place. Among them: a newly launched "Lost and Found" initiative, for doors, baggage, and occasionally passengers; onboard “glue stations” for emergency repairs; and spare doors stored in the cargo hold “just in case.”

While the proposals drew both eyebrows and chuckles, industry insiders agree they underscore just how shaky the skies have become for Boeing.

Ironically, as Ms. Turbulence spoke, three more Boeing jets simultaneously experienced mid-air blowouts, in-flight upsets, and severe turbulence, causing mayhem on Wall Street, where Boeing stockholders were, understandably, upset.

Meanwhile, Indian airlines are preparing to roll out in-flight “How to Breathe” protocols, to educate passengers on surviving the capital’s famously breathable air. After all, when you land in New Delhi, every breath counts.

3. FEMA Head Said He Was Unaware Of U.S. Hurricane Season

Staff at the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency announced during a briefing that he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season.

Keeping up with the tradition of the T* administration of being unaware, the head was baffled seeing the attendees baffled as to why they were baffled. A closed-loop of confusion ensued, which experts later identified as a Category 5 Bureaucratic Batsh*t.

Since this statement, the National Hurricane Center (NOAA) has been DOGED, declared Officially Chainsawed. In the fallout, hurricane strength on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, which is often color-coded, has now been reduced to only two colors:

White, for hurricanes coming from Africa.
Orange, for hurricanes coming from the White House.

“It helps the colorblind” FEMA commented.

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security, FEMA’s parent agency, continues to Google “Habeas Corpus” in preparation for the new season of Deportation Island: Habeas Corpus Edition.

4. Musk's Meta Glasses

Elon Musk's swift departure from DOGE was escalated when he physically shoved 62-year-old Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, after Bessent called him out and said, "You promised us a trillion dollars (in cuts), and now you're at like $100 billion, and nobody can find anything. What are you doing?"

"And that's when Elon got physical. It's a sore subject with him."

The revelation of a confrontation between the pair has since been officially confirmed by the White House.

Both Musk and Bessent have since been seen wearing dark, wraparound META™ shades, leading to wild speculation:

Are they hiding black eyes… or just the shame of their own tech-fueled, bro-flavored disgrace?

Meanwhile, our despicable in-house tech Guru, Gru, attempted to reach out to Musk for a nibble of explanation, but was promptly virtually punched in the face by Musk’s private Optimus bot, which shouted:

“404: Empathy Not Found.”

Mr. W.T. Heck, our unpaid hacker and full-time idiot, tried hacking into the META™ shades to uncover the truth, but Musk’s profile had already been DOGED by Meta itself, replaced with a looping clip of Zuckerberg saying, “cybertrucks sucks”.

On the other end, we do not give a rat’s furry behind about Bessent, so we did not bother (actually, we did not have budget for two investigations on the same subject).

We did ask ChatGPT, unpaid version, about Bessent and the following response was received:
"Bessent who?"*

We have since been trying to crowdfund for ChatGPT membership. In hope for a better response. Any help would be appreciated.