THE FIERY RITUAL

Black #smoke was seen coming out from #Sistine #Chapel, indicating conclave was unable to elect pope in first #vote.

Traditionally a signal that the #conclave has failed to elect a new #pope, the black smoke billowing from the Sistine Chapel #chimney wasn’t due to a deadlock. Rather, it showcased something #sinister, something more #nefarious.

In an #exclusive #forbidden access inside the chapel, our #Blunderz correspondent, also a part time #contortionist, Ms. Kat. H. Olic, who was able to make her way down the very chimney in question, witnessed a #horrifying #ceremony, where the #cardinals, were busy incinerating #ballot papers in a furious, fiery ritual after discovering they all bore one name: Donald J. Trump.

“Horror, my #lord, save us #Jesus”, one visibly distraught cardinal whispered to Ms. Olic, clutching a charred ballot in one hand, and a #rosary #necklace in the other. “It is like, he clings to you”, he added.

Meanwhile, across the #Atlantic in #Washington D.C., pandemonium of a different sort erupted as TRUMP 2029 merchandise was hastily replaced with POPE 2029 #hats.

“I am the big #daddy, I am the #papa, and I should be the #Pope”, roared Trump from the white house #balcony, moments before signing an #executive order banning all #Americans from using any four-letter words starting with “P” and ending with “E” or “A” — a move leaving #political and #economic #analysts, dumbfounded, as they continue to decode what the #president meant.

More on this unholy mess as it develops.

#HabemusPapam, #WhiteSmoke, #PopeElection